“Oh, mate, absolutely,” Ruby Tui exclaims from the other side of the world when asked if she will be in England for the women’s rugby World Cup this August. “It’s not even a question, bro. I’ll be there supporting my team or I’ll be in my team. Whatever it is, there’s no way you can miss the World Cup 2025.”
We are deep in an interview that began at seven o’clock on a sleepy Monday morning in England, and eight o’clock that evening in New Zealand, and Tui is flying. The most charismatic woman in world rugby has lit up the past 40 minutes with her powerful personal story and electrifying presence. It is a reminder of how she did the same in November 2022, at Eden Park in Auckland, soon after New Zealand’s Black Ferns had beaten England 34-31 in the greatest game in the history of women’s rugby.
As she savoured victory after a gripping World Cup final – the only occasion England have lost in their past 53 games – Tui was interviewed on the pitch. “How was it New Zealand?” she cried out to nearly 43,000 fans. “How was it? They said no one cared about women’s rugby, but guess what? We are here, we’re going nowhere.”
She then led the crowd in a rousing rendition of a Māori folk song, Tūtira Mai Ngā Iwi, like a great conductor celebrating at a post-concert party. Tui looked nothing like the stoical young girl she had been when, in her family’s deeply troubled past, she survived life as the daughter of an alcoholic father and a mother whose new relationship was scarred by harrowing physical and emotional abuse.
There were often times when her dad, with whom she remains close, would leave her in his parked car for hours while he drank in the pub or took drugs at house parties. She witnessed the death of one of his friends from a drug overdose and Tui started drinking when she was 10. She thought it would bind her more closely to her dad while she ached for her mum, who was assaulted repeatedly by a subsequent partner.
The 33-year-old Tui is an inspirational figure in New Zealand and her return to the game after a break coincides with the clamour for her to be selected for the Black Ferns’ World Cup squad. She explains how, at the age of 18, watching the 2010 women’s World Cup in England transformed her. To play in the same tournament in England 15 years later has become a consuming ambition.
“So many things have happened in my life that I now think anything’s possible,” she says. “To make it to another World Cup would be a dream. I’ve been very open with the coach [Allan Bunting] and said that whatever capacity he wants me in I will be there.”
Tui is the leading try scorer in Super Rugby Aupiki this season with Chiefs Manawa. But she says: “I will be happy to run on the field with the water bottles because to make the World Cup, and end up on that Twickenham paddock, would be beyond my wildest dreams. You start out thinking your wildest dreams can’t come true. But if you work on your mind, your mental resilience, way more can come true.”
She pauses and then says: “Mental resilience is just as important as physical preparation and, for that, you’ve got to draw on whatever happened in your journey.”
In her autobiography, Tui writes with graphic honesty about the trauma she experienced as a girl and how rugby saved her from the derangement and violence. Remembering the 2010 World Cup, she writes: “I can honestly say that watching the Black Ferns, seeing them on the screen, seeing that they were real, changed my life. The memory came back to me of Canvastown [where she and her mum lived with a brutal man], the dark Wakamarina River, the unhappiness, the screaming that went on all the time.”
She shakes her head and says now: “Boy, oh boy. The 2010 Rugby World Cup in England was huge for me. The final was not held at the main Twickenham stadium. It was at the Stoop [across the road] and that tiny detail is so significant to me now. This year the final will be at Twickenham. But the tenacity of those women in 2010 blew me away. I knew some of them personally and they all had full-time work. I still don’t understand how they made it happen, but I draw huge inspiration from them.”
While Tui marvels at the capacity of her predecessors to hold down ordinary jobs while playing elite rugby, at that same time she was paying her own way through university by working more than 80 hours a week – starting most days at 4am as a postwoman, working as a lifeguard in the afternoon and doing night shifts at a bar while also trying to attend lectures and study.
“I needed the money so I took every single job I could,” she says with a grin. “But the cool thing was I ended in rugby-playing circles with some of the Black Ferns. I was like: ‘Why aren’t these amazing stories more widely known?’ I often think of the next superstars who will have hugely different careers to us – they will be full-time professionals from the get-go. But my journey definitely keeps me grounded.”
Tui addresses the past with acceptance and forgiveness and, even though she was once so distraught she considered ending her life as a teenager, she turned her distress into a book of redemption. How did her parents feel when they read such a jolting account of their past? “Dad’s way more casual but Mum had to relive every page, which I understand. She’s a very wordy and intellectual person.
“When I started the book I thought it would be about rugby. But I was chatting to the ghostwriter, Margaret [Thomson], and yarning about my childhood. She was going: ‘What do you mean? Say that again!’
“I was like: ‘Oh, is that interesting?’ But I then said: ‘I can’t print any of this unless Mum’s 100% OK about it.’ I then told my mum: ‘I’ll pull the plug on the book if you’re not happy.’ I wanted it to be collaborative but I said: ‘Mum, you can’t share this. I’ve got a contract [stipulating confidentiality].’”
Tui smiles. “You know what mums are like. But she was anxious and went away to read the book. When she’d finished she sent me a message: “Ruby, you have to share this story.’ From that moment I felt a surge of energy, this huge support from my mum. She’d never realised that, as a kid, I saw her as an absolute hero. She also had no idea that as a young tween how directly my life was influenced by her decisions. As mother and daughter it felt like our story was being shared for all the women out there. That was really cool.”
after newsletter promotion
Her eyes widen when she remembers how chapters about the abuse she and her mum withstood helped so many women and girls. “Oh, mate,” Tui says softly, “we’ve been on this thing called a book tour and I had no idea what that involved. I’m a rugby player so I thought maybe I’d sit in a library. But we’d go to these cities and for five hours straight I’d be meeting people [at book signings]. Five hours straight of the most amazing, heartfelt, hard-hitting life stories.
“There was one book signing in Auckland where you couldn’t see the end of the line. I don’t know how many hours they waited but I remember some of the first people in that line. It was a mum and daughter and I was smiling while having my photo taken with them and I was like: ‘Thanks for waiting, guys.’ And [the mother’s] eyes were welling up and she goes: ‘Your story made me leave. We’ve just left him. Thank you.’”
Tui shakes her head in dazed wonder. “Oh my goodness, bro, I was just out trying to grow women’s-rugby numbers. I had no idea what effect it would have on the world.”
Her influence runs so deep that she is one of a group – including other former New Zealand internationals John Kirwan, Codie Taylor and Aaron Cruden – spearheading a campaign with Bupa which focuses on the physical and mental health experiences of New Zealand’s rugby elite. Each rugby icon chooses a word to represent them. While others selected “cancer” or “loss’, “depression” or “resilience”, Tui opted for something different.
“I love this campaign so much because I know how vulnerable the others had to be to share their words. I went with “mind” because it’s so beautiful and means so much to me. One of the first psychologists I worked with talked about how we can’t be afraid of the mind gym. It clicked with me because mental fitness is something you have to work at every day.
“This Bupa campaign is about normalising these conversations. ‘How can I use my mind? What did my mind do there?’ My mental skills coach recently explained that the more we allow our emotions to take control, the less access we have to our brain’s IQ. If we can learn to calm down, a higher percentage of our brain and our IQ, all of our greatness and logical thinking, will be accessible.”
Does her painful past still strengthen her today? “Absolutely. I always say to people: ‘It’s not like my journey was harder than yours. It’s just that throughout my journey I’ve felt things that have rocked me and therefore shaped me.’ It’s about awareness. I went through these things and I’m so grateful that I not only addressed them but I said: ‘How can I grow from it?’ What I’ve been through has been a huge tool for me.”
Tui’s father is Samoan and her mother is white and she articulates the flaws and strengths of both cultures. In her book she writes: “This is the future of the world, the coming together of cultures.” But how does she feel about the world when the likes of Donald Trump and Elon Musk are trying to divide and destroy?
“I love that question,” Tui says with a throaty chuckle. “How great is it that we both live in different countries and we can have a little giggle? I’m like: ‘Surely these people are for our entertainment?’ But sometimes I do scratch my head.”
The sport she loves, in contrast, gives her joy. Tui will almost certainly be a key character at the World Cup, but she offers a wider perspective. “Rugby has been this dream I never knew I had. I never thought I’d play this long but rugby gives so much connection to so many authentic human beings.”
Tui leans forward and adds: “As athletes we’re sometimes seen as these physical things that don’t have much emotion. But the truth is we are human after all. We are more than just our stats and physical records. Who we are as humans is hugely important.”
Ruby Tui is supporting ‘Human After All: The Alternative Team Photo’. Visit Bupa.com to explore the players and their stories
