Everton cannot be protected from themselves at this stage, but the ridiculousness of their collapse against Aston Villa was impressive even for them.
‘Every club’s support is guilty of thinking their own side are uniquely idiotic or especially prone to avoidable and self-inflicted disaster but the difference with Everton fans here is that Everton fans are right.’
It’s admittedly a little wordier than Nil satis nisi optimum, but would make an infinitely more fitting club motto. Everton have not been able to pretend that nothing but the best is good enough for decades, although their propensity for self-inflicted violence is industry-leading.
The Bournemouth collapse was awful. It was amateurish and embarrassing. But it was also quick, sudden and without notice. While it was undeniably painful and chastening, the abrupt nature of it left Everton feeling hollow and numb more than anything. It was sudden and there was no time to really digest it all. They had been the better team for 86 minutes but capitulated late on to lose.
This was a similar brand of collapse, served entirely differently and altogether more agonisingly. Everton established their advantage earlier. They created chances throughout and at no stage did they crumble. Yet for the second consecutive game, they lost having led by two goals.
Only once before had a Premier League team ever suffered that fate. Bournemouth were beaten 3-2 by Spurs after being ahead 2-0 one week, then were stunned by Leeds in a 4-3 loss having been winning 3-1 seven days later.
If you haven’t already guessed who the Cherries beat in their next game to get back on track, you really have underestimated just how ridiculous Everton truly are.
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They were in control at Villa Park. Dwight McNeil scored a wonderful goal after robbing former teammate Amadou Onana, before setting up Dominic Calvert-Lewin to score with a well-placed header. With half an hour gone, Everton were cruising and Villa had been stunned.
But the underlying stench of a comeback permeated the next hour. It was not clear how it would happen, just that it would. There was no sense of immediacy, no roar from the home support to inspire the players to pick up the tempo. Not even really an expectation that Villa would recover to draw or even win. It was more that Everton would eventually be forced to play football for long enough that they would contrive to draw or even lose.
Villa had played well enough; Everton simply took advantage of their moments in a way the hosts could not. Then Lucas Digne stood a cross up at the back post, Michael Keane made himself smaller by jumping and Ollie Watkins pulled a goal back.
That did not prompt sudden waves of attack after attack. Morgan Rogers was impressive all game and should have scored when put through by Lamare Bogarde, but equally Calvert-Lewin started the second half inexplicably walking through on goal after a stunning one-touch move, allowing Ezri Konsa to track back and tackle him. Everton were still posing an eminent threat; there was nothing close to a surrender here.
Four minutes later, Watkins equalised when Jack Harrison’s attempt at intercepting a pass to Digne simply redirected the ball into the path of Watkins, who finished calmly. He should have had a hat-trick but skewed his finish wide from an Ian Maatsen cutback, and could not reach a Rogers centre.
McNeil and Calvert-Lewin created and wasted an identical chance as Everton continued to chase a result which had been snatched from their hands, not realising fate always finds a way of conspiring against them.
The second Watkins goal was technically the equaliser, but really it was the winner. The remaining 32 minutes plus stoppages were played out under the ludicrous pretence that anything other than a Jhon Duran winner would happen. He didn’t even come on as a substitute for another ten minutes.
The only question was what ridiculousness the Colombian would wreak upon the Premier League this week. It does not feel like many Duran bingo cards had ‘randomly thwacking one in from 30 yards’ as an option but it is largely pointless trying to understand or quantify his brilliance at this point. Villa have unearthed something really quite astonishing and Unai Emery is doing a fine job in harnessing it.
Even then, there was ample time for Calvert-Lewin to leave Pau Torres on the floor before clattering his shot off the underside of the bar and away because no-one does defeat or disintegration quite like an Everton side now bottom of the table despite leading for about as many minutes this season as the fourth-placed Brighton team who hammered them 3-0 on the opening day.
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