Key events
Most of the matches are petering out, though Milan are pushing hard for an equaliser in Leverkusen. Xabi Alonso is happy to cut his clo- oh lordy, hang on.
72 min: Arsenal 2-0 Paris Saint-Germain
PSG have the aura of a team who suddenly fancy getting back into this, and the denizens of the Emirates sense it. The first half was comfortable for the hosts; the second, despite the scoreline, doesn’t feel the same.
GOAL! Slovan Bratislava 0-4 Man City (McAtee 74)
The substitute James McAtee gets his first Champions League goal, emphatically finishing a lovely move that involved Lewis, Foden and about half the team.
“Hi Rob,” says Peter Oh, and here it comes folks. “Celtic are getting licked like an envelope!”
The value of the exclamation mark, right there.
GOAL! Inter 3-0 Red Star (Lautaro Martinez 72) Look, not every game can be infused with jeopardy! Mehdi Taremi gets his second pressing-based assist, winning the ball before playing in Lautaro Martinez to make it three.
“As soon as I saw that Brendan Rogers had been talking next levels before Dortmund had been played,” begins Ian Copestake, “I began to have recurring visions of envelopes.”
I felt sorry for Brendon over that business. Lord Ferg did a similar thing 19 years earlier and everyone said he was a genius fae Govan.
68 min: Dortmund 6-1 Celtic “Welp,” says James Humphries, “my (Celtic-supporting) mate had a bet on there being seven goals in it; but cashed out at half time, so I imagine he’s adopting the foetal position about now.”
His internal monologue in the 120 seconds preceding that decision would make for a cracking little radio play.
GOAL! Dortmund 6-1 Celtic (Guirassy 66)
Serhou Guirassy makes it 6-1 to Dortmund with a lovely, slick finish.
The good news for Brendan Rodgers is that Celtic’s heaviest European defeat is 7-0; the bad news is he was the manager then as well.
The latest scores
Arsenal 2-0 Paris Saint-Germain
Barcelona 4-0 Young Boys
Dortmund 5-1 Celtic
Inter 2-0 Red Star
Leverkusen 1-0 Milan
PSV Eindhoven 1-0 Sporting CP
Slovan Bratislava 0-3 Manchester City
Salzburg 0-4 Brest (FT)
Stuttgart 1-1 Sparta Prague (FT)
GOAL! Inter 2-0 Red Star (Arnautovic 59) Marko Arnautovic gets his first goal of the season, sliding the ball in from 10 yards after Mehdi Taremi won the ball on the edge of the area and then picked him out with a low pass.
59 min: Slovan Bratislava 0-3 Man City Erling Haaland has done his business for the night. walking round the keeper after running onto a deadly through ball from Rico Lewis. The defending was, a-hem, imperfect but that’s not City’s problem.
GOAL! Slovan Bratislava 0-3 Man City (Haaland 58)
Look, not every game can be infused with jeopardy.
Boniface’s effort means we’ve had at least one goal in all nine Champions League games. And here’s the proof.
Arsenal 2-0 Paris Saint-Germain
Barcelona 4-0 Young Boys
Dortmund 5-1 Celtic
Inter 1-0 Red Star
Leverkusen 1-0 Milan
PSV Eindhoven 1-0 Sporting CP
Slovan Bratislava 0-2 Manchester City
Salzburg 0-4 Brest (FT)
Stuttgart 1-1 Sparta Prague (FT)
GOAL! Leverkusen 1-0 Milan (Boniface 52)
For the second time tonight, Victor Boniface scores the opening goal. The first goal was disallowed for offside in the build-up; this one counts despite Milan appealing for offside again. Frimpong’s shot was saved and Boniface helped himself to the rebound from four yards.
GOAL! Barcelona 4-0 Young Boys (Lewandowski 51) Two for Robert Lewandowski, four for Barcelona. It was another simple close-range finish after Martinez headed a corner back across the face of goal.
Nuttin but a number
Peep peep! Half two or Matchday Two (Evening One) is under way.
I’m off to put drops in my eyes. No, Oz, not those drops. Here’s some half-time reading to lighten the mood.
Half time
A very good half for Arsenal and Dortmund, a stroll in Slovakia for City. And an abject nightmare for Celtic. These are the half-time scores.
Arsenal 2-0 Paris Saint-Germain
Barcelona 3-0 Young Boys
Dortmund 5-1 Celtic
Inter 1-0 Red Star
Leverkusen 0-0 Milan
PSV Eindhoven 1-0 Sporting CP
Slovan Bratislava 0-2 Manchester City
Salzburg 0-4 Brest (FT)
Stuttgart 1-1 Sparta Prague (FT)
“It was a penalty because he was kicked after the ball had gone,” says Andy Flintoff. “Theatrical falls aside, that’s exactly what the referee would have seen to give it. Hope that helps.”
Well, I haven’t had chance to analyse it to the nth degree because I’m trying to cover seven games and my eyes stopped working properly after that flurry of goals around 8.10pm, but contact doesn’t always warrant a penalty. Maybe it did on this occasion, maybe it didn’t. When did we all – and I include myself in this, hence the words ‘we’ and ‘all’ – become so humourlessly certain?
39 min: Slovan Bratislava 0-2 Man City Ilkay Gundogan becomes the third City player, after Doku and Foden, to hit the woodwork.
44 min: Dortmund 5-1 Celtic Emre Can misses a chance to make it 6-1 after another electric run from Adeyemi. Brendan Rodgers shakes his head, his soul weeping silently.
Here’s Adeyemi’s second goal, a right banger.
GOAL! Dortmund 5-1 Celtic (Adeyemi 42)
My word. Karim Adeyemi rifles a 20-yarder into the bottom corner to complete a first half hat-trick and compound Celtic’s misery. Truly, there are levels to this thing.
Dortmund 4-1 Celtic “How in god’s name is that a penalty?” says James Humphries. “Even softer than Kane getting his delicate wee toesies hurt at the Euros. You can see the Dortmund lad have a wee think and then hit the deck, ffs.”
Don’t worry, these mistakes won’t happen once they bring in video referees.
GOAL! Dortmund 4-1 Celtic (Guirassy 40 pen)
Dortmund are awarded a soft-looking penalty for a foul on Adeyemi. He’s on a hat-trick, Emre Can took the first penalty – but it’s Serhou Guirassy who walks up to slam the ball past Schmeichel. Celtic are being marmalised.
The latest bleedin’ scores
Arsenal 2-0 Paris Saint-Germain
Barcelona 3-0 Young Boys
Dortmund 3-1 Celtic
Inter 1-0 Red Star
Leverkusen 0-0 Milan
PSV Eindhoven 1-0 Sporting CP
Slovan Bratislava 0-2 Manchester City
Salzburg 0-4 Brest (FT)
Stuttgart 1-1 Sparta Prague (FT)
GOAL! Barcelona 3-0 Young Boys (Martinez 37) Inigo Martinez heads Pedri’s free-kick into the net to put Barcelona three up.
GOAL! Arsenal 2-0 Paris Saint-Germain (Saka 35)
Arsenal find another way to score from a set-piece: Bukayo Saka’s free-kick is missed by everyone and goes into the net. Scott Murray has more.
GOAL! Barcelona 2-0 Young Boys (Raphinha 34) Raphinha made the first; now he’s scored the second from close range.
Milk Cup A Fabian Schar penalty on the stroke of half time has put Newcastle ahead against AFC Wimbledon.
30 min: Slovan Bratislava 0-2 Man City Phil Foden had a shot fumbled onto the post a couple of minutes ago. City are winning without an ounce of bother.
The latest scores
Arsenal 1-0 Paris Saint-Germain
Barcelona 1-0 Young Boys
Dortmund 3-1 Celtic
Inter 1-0 Red Star
Leverkusen 0-0 Milan
PSV Eindhoven 1-0 Sporting CP
Slovan Bratislava 0-2 Manchester City
Salzburg 0-4 Brest (FT)
Stuttgart 1-1 Sparta Prague (FT)
GOAL! Dortmund 3-1 Celtic (Adeyemi 29)
Celtic’s perfect start to the season has gone south inside half an hour. Karim Adeyemi has scored his second goal, and this time it needed no deflection. It was a ferocious finish, thrashed past Schmeichel at the near post from a very tight angle. Schmeichel was probably expecting a cross.
As things stand, the three Bs are top of the Champions League
24 min: Slovan Bratislava 0-2 Man City Jeremy Doku is in unplayable mode tonight. He played a part in the first goal, made the second and has just hit the bar with an extravagant left-foot curler.
26 min: Dortmund 2-1 Celtic This game looks really open, particularly when Dortmund are attacking. Pascal Gross was clean through on goal but tried to give the goal to somebody else and failed.
Carabao Cup department
“Still 0-0 between Newcastle and AFC Wimbledon in the Worthington Cup,” writes Chris Paraskevas. “Waking up for this at 4am is pretty much my impersonation of Paul Bettany torturing himself repeatedly in The Da Vinci Code, but there is a local magpie I’ve recently befriended and I’m expecting it over for breakfast. “Is the Champions League really more entertaining than my morning?”
It? Are you respecting its privacy?
NO GOAL! Leverkusen 0-0 Milan Frimpong was slightly offside, so he can keep his superb cross.
GOAL! Leverkusen 1-0 Milan (Boniface 21) Milan’s false start to the Champions Leaue continues: Victor Boniface has volleyed Leverkusen into a deserved lead from Jeremie Frimpong’s superb cross.
GOAL! Arsenal 1-0 Paris Saint-Germain (Havertz 20)
Kai Havertz has opened the scoring at the Emirates. Scott Murray will give you chapter and vertz.
17 min: Slovan Bratislava 0-2 Man City Rico Lewis pokes a nice pass through to Erling Haaland, whose close-range shot is very well saved.
GOAL! PSV 1-0 Sporting CP (Schouten 15)
Jerdy Schouten intercepts a dodgy pass 25 yards from goal, takes a couple of touches and crashes the ball into the far corner. What a sweet finish.
The latest scores
Arsenal 0-0 Paris Saint-Germain
Barcelona 1-0 Young Boys
Dortmund 2-1 Celtic
Inter 1-0 Red Star
Leverkusen 0-0 Milan
PSV Eindhoven 0-0 Sporting CP
Slovan Bratislava 0-2 Manchester City
Salzburg 0-4 Brest (FT)
Stuttgart 1-1 Sparta Prague (FT)
GOAL! Slovan Bratislava 0-2 Man City (Foden 15)
Phil Foden, starting his first League game of the season, has doubled City’s lead with a fine finish. Doku played the ball back to him on the edge of the box, and Foden guided it beautifully into the far corner.
GOAL! Inter 1-0 Red Star (Calhanoglu 11) A spectacular, if also deflected, free-kick from Hakan Calhanoglu has put Inter ahead.
12 min: Dortmund 2-1 Celtic Adeyemi’s goal came seconds after the Dortmund keeper Gregor Kobel had the ball at his feet. His long kick was laid off superbly by Guirassy to Brandt, who put Adeyemi through on goal. His shot took a big deflection off Trusty and beat Schmeichel at the near post.
GOAL! Dortmund 2-1 Celtic (Adeyemi 11)
Dortmund are back in front through Karim Adeyemi! Maeda had only just equalised, although he didn’t know much about it. Can made a mess of Arne Engels’ cross and the ball hit Maede, six yards out, before flying in.
GOAL! Barcelona 1-0 Young Boys (Lewandowski 8) An open goal from Raphinha’s cross on the turn.
GOAL! Dortmund 1-1 Celtic (Maeda 9)
Daizen Maeda has equalised straight away!
GOAL! Slovan Bratislava 0-1 Man City (Gundogan 8)
Ilkay Gundogan gets the first goal of his second spell at Manchester City. Savinho’s volley was blocked and rebounded to Gundogan on the edge of the area. He belted a first-time shot that took a big deflection and flew into the top corner.
